As a teacher, dealing with escalated behaviours can be one of the most challenging aspects of the job. For years, I taught at a school specifically for students with complex social, emotional, and mental health needs, which meant daily encounters with extreme dysregulation. We’re talking about aggressive verbal exchanges, frequent fights, and the constant worry of when the next outburst might happen. Teaching in this environment felt like walking a tightrope—always trying to gauge if things were calm enough to start a lesson or if I needed to intervene before Mark stormed in, swearing, shouting, and possibly throwing a chair.

Navigating this is not easy, but there are things we can do, and say, to get our students back on track before things reach boiling point.

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But first, 3 things you need to know about students who are escalated.

When a student is becoming increasingly dysregulated, it’s crucial to keep these three key points in mind:

1. They aren’t able to reason with you. When students are escalated, their brains are essentially in shutdown mode. They’re operating in fight, flight, or freeze mode, and trying to reason with them or punish them simply won’t work.

2. Everything we do in an escalated state is about trying to get to safety. Whether it’s through shouting, crying, or withdrawing, these behaviours are all about seeking safety or returning to a place of security. Understanding this helps us approach the situation with compassion and curiosity, making it easier to depersonalise the behaviours we’re seeing.

3. Nobody calms down when you say, “Calm down.” Ever. I mean, have you? I certainly haven't.

As Lori Desautels beautifully puts it, “There’s not a human being in this world who does not settle down a bit when they’ve been heard, seen, and felt.” I’d go as far as to say there’s not a human being in the world who has ever settled down when they’ve been told to calm down.

What to actually SAY to students whose behaviours are becoming more and more dysregulated?

When addressing behaviours in the classroom that are bubbling up—those moments when you feel the situation is about to overflow—follow the talking with CARE framework. I developed this framework to help teachers support students in returning to a place of regulation.

Here’s how it works:

Before I dive into the details, let me mention that the CARE framework is just one of the many strategies available in The Behaviour Club focus on de-escalating and regulating big behaviours. There’s also a masterclass, a regulation toolbox, and so much more to support you through these challenging moments.

1. Communicate the Emotion

Saying YES to the feelings, whilst saying NO to the behaviour, is crucial in supporting our young people with loving boundaries. So first up, it’s essential to communicate and validate the emotions you can see your student experiencing. This might sound like:

• "It looks like you are angry. Am I right?"
• "I can tell something is up! What’s going on right now?"

By acknowledging their emotions, you’re validating their experience. This simple step can help them feel understood, which is the first move towards de-escalation.

2. Affirm and Attend to the Emotion

Next, you need to affirm and attend to the emotion. This is where Lori Desautels’ wisdom shines. Just the act of acknowledging and validating a student’s feelings can significantly reduce the intensity of the situation. For example:

• "It makes sense that you feel this way."
• "It’s okay that you feel this way."

By affirming their emotions, you’re letting them know that their feelings are valid and understandable. This validation can take the heat out of the situation and make the student feel more secure.

3. Reassure and Support the Student

Sometimes, the fear of how they will be received, punished, or rejected because of their feelings can continue to escalate them. Providing reassurance and support can alleviate this fear. For example:

• "You aren’t in trouble; right now, I just want you to be safe."
• "How can I help you right now? How about we do X?"

Reassuring the student that they are not in trouble and that your primary concern is their safety can help them feel more secure and less threatened. Offering support and a pathway can provide a pathway back to calm.

4. Empower with Choices and Set Limits

Finally, empower your student with choices while setting clear limits. Remember, the feelings are always okay, but certain behaviours are not. By providing choices, you give them a sense of control, which can be incredibly grounding. For example:

• "Would you like to do X or X? You can go for a walk for 5 minutes to get some fresh air, or [a strategy you have worked on with them]."
• "Your feelings are always okay, but I can’t let you [do this unsafe thing]."

Setting limits ensures that everyone stays safe while also giving the student some control over their actions. It’s about balancing empathy with clear boundaries.

Conclusion

Dealing with escalated behaviours in the classroom can be tough, but by using the CARE framework, you can help your students return to a place of regulation. Just remember: Communicate the emotion, Affirm and attend to the emotion, Reassure and support the student, and Empower with choices and set limits.

And if you can’t remember all the parts of the acronym in the heat of the moment, just remember Lori Desautels’ wise words:

“There’s not a human being in this world who does not settle down a bit when they’ve been heard, seen, and felt.”

By following this approach, you’ll create a more supportive and understanding environment for your students, helping them feel safe and valued even in their most challenging moments.

If the student is past this point and their behaviours continue to escalate, don’t worry—I also cover what to do in The Behaviour Club this month through the PEACE framework. If you’re a member, be sure to check out the masterclass. And if you’re not a member yet, come and join us! 

Looking for resources to support students struggling with emotional regulation and dysregulated behaviours? Check out my TPT store The Behaviour Hub, and the resources below. Please note: These are all included as a part of your Behaviour Club membership!